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An ability to seduce takes center stage, simply to reinforce a feeling of desirability. Alternatively, the person in need of outside validation may respond far too easily to someone seeking to seduce.

Understand The Pain The Unfaithful Partner Experiences After An Affair

This is about power, not affection. The motive at play here is being able to attract or to feel wanted. Some people tend to express anger in a passive-aggressive manner, rather than directly. Instead of confronting hurt from or conflict with a partner, they may reach out in ways that they know, consciously or unconsciously, will hurt that partner.

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They engage someone else to play a role in a drama of aggressor-victim-rescuer. This pattern can easily escalate to the ultimate insult, an affair. Who plays what role in the triangle shifts according to individual perception. Some people find close personal relationships frightening. They may harbor uncomfortable feelings from an insecure or dismissive attachment that they had as a child. The dismissive may reject a lover as a confidante, complain about the partner to a third party triangulate , choose someone outside the primary relationship at a vulnerable moment or for a critical role.

An encounter can reawaken memories of a younger self or an earlier relationship, as in the ballet that we saw. How many reawakened teen romances have gone on to disrupt formerly secure midlife marriages? They are those aspects of our lives that affect our consciousness simply because they are part of the culture in which we are embedded. When a culture accepts infidelity or sexual abuse, or any other attitude that is unconsciously embraced or tolerated among the people to whom one is exposed , the pull to engage in that behavior is strong.

Rotter, J. Social learning and clinical psychology. New York: Prentice-Hall. They may lead people to WANT to cheat but actually cheating is a choice. Only excuses. I definitely agree. The listed reasons are issues to talk about and try to resolve. Either accept the issue and don't cheat, open the relationship, or leave the relationship and THEN do whatever you want. That's not a constructive or insightful comment whatsoever.

Don’t Try This at Home: Adultery in the Marital Bed

And no therapist would ever start off with such a comment, or consider such a person such. I think any idiot with half a brain knows that. But your generalization doesn't cover all cases, some of which your moralizing edicts don't really hold all that well. For example, a woman who is severaly abused by her drunk husband, repeatedly, who finds solace with another man, and it's just emotional.

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And he then accuses her of cheating. Sorry, but in that case, I do NOT think I would call her friendship with the other man to be an "excuse".


Of course, that is good advice, but it doesn't apply to all cases. For example, if a spouse is suffering from early dementia and can no longer recognize you, it would be IMMORAL to force a divorce and throw them off your health plan just so you can have another relationship without it being called "cheating" by moralizing busybodies like you. Applies in many cases but not all.

The real world is often a bit more complicated than your children's storybook concepts. You are ambitiously attempting to educate people who are obviously less than half as smart as you. Are there reasons to cheat? One particular instance is when dealing with a narcissist or covert aggressive. The victims in these instances find themselves overwhelmed and psychologically stuck, hoping that the perpetrator will come around and go back to being the way they were during courtship.

Of course Many have been cheated on by their abusers to so the vows of faithfulness were already broken. It comes down to just doing their best to survive in a hopeless and debilitating situation. Go ahead and judge. I have to agree with you.

These excuses are modern-age bunk. If you feel compelled to stray and intend to follow through with it bullshit heat-of-the-moment crap doesn't cut it then put the period at the end of the sentence tell your spouse, partner , start the legal paperwork, and then move on. Otherwise you set yourself as well as the person you professed to love for a lifetime of regretful memories, moments of inadequacy, and sometimes an attitude of mistrust for the rest of your natural lives.

The author never said they are valid justifications, that's just something you're making up. The author is merely explaining what goes on in people's heads, and in that context the author's comments are exactly on target. Having "committed" and "cheats" in the same title is an oxymoron, so I think these really are being given as justifications. Justifications really are merely what goes on in people's heads anyway. You can stand by your comments all you want but it doesn't mean that the author meant them as justifications.

In addition, as was commented on above, not all situations are as simple as you seem to imply. For example, as was mentioned above, there are women who are in relationships that are abusive and whose husbands think that they are cheating because they have an emotional relationship with another with another man who's helping them. Women like that are not always in an easy position to simply sign divorce papers and get out. For example if one spouse withholds sex, one could say the first transgression was the first person even though the second person's mistake doesn't make it right.

Perhaps I came from a position of personal strength at the time, but one of the reasons I am vehement about my feelings about this article are because I was in a lousy marriage for 20 years and got out before giving into any temptations that would have compromised my own integrity, which is the only thing I truly had control over.

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  • Instead of looking for comfort and attention from others, I left, giving my husband the option of earning me back if he sought help. That seemed odd and unachievable him, so we went our separate ways. I remarried, but to a man who is everything my ex was not, and my ex has never found happiness with anyone since. Perhaps the author was offering up reasons committed people stray, but no one stays in a bad marriage without giving themselves implied permission to do so. I believe you describe your own situation honestly and well, but it doesn't generalize to everyone.

    As was commented above, an over-simplified storybook approach doesn't work in the case of a long term dementia spouse who no longer recognizes you. In that situation, some people have decided to remain married and "cheat" rather than divorce and throw their disabled spouse off their health insurance, just so they can say they conformed to some arbitrary standard of morality which may be important to you personally.

    If what you did made you feel morally clean, good for you. But you and your situation is very different from sone others'. You're pretending to have poor reading comprehension. What do you think is more likely, that the author meant people who intended to be committed and then strayed or ended up in circumstances they hadn't predicted as opposed to people who are simply players, or that the author is simply confused and needs to consult a dictionary for the different meanings of committed and cheating?

    Of cheating that goes on in marriage that does not include an affair, but can be as devastating. Financial abuse, long term apathy, disinterest, refusal to engage one's partner sexually or intimately, refusal to work, treating family members like garbage, physical, emotional, sexual abuse, turning away from a spouse and getting sexual satisfaction on the computer, cyber sex, and the list goes on.

    In the end, all these things can derail a marriage as fast as infidelity, and can be just as hurtful because at it's core - all these infractions are cheating the marriage - even if they never engage another person sexually. I was really horny 2.

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    She was really hot 3. I wanted to have my cake and eat it too. That applies to women too who, as you might say, don't buy into the cultural teachings that they don't want novelty. And that, in fact, an inventive couple can do a lot to keep it fresh and novel within a relationship. Your "analysis" seems a bit prosaic in that regard.